Realisations; Looking forward and Back

    I came to a realisation today. Well, I say one realisation, I mean several. One is that it is only 8 weeks until I go to Camp America. The excitement is beginning to kick in. So much in fact that the other night I could not sleep and so stayed up all night researching the perfect typically American Camp films to get me in the mood.
Needless to say, I discovered that
A) not sleeping and then being expected to do a university presentation is neither fun or advisable
B) I have no idea what I am in for
C) American's love the English accent, so I'm sure to be a hit regardless of what I actually do

     Anyway onto my other realisations. I've discovered that after avoiding the scale for so long, that I've now gained enough to no longer be considered 'within the anorexic' weight category and I'm edging towards the lower end of the healthy weight zone! WA-BLOODY-HOO!
I bit the bullet today before training, terrified of what the number would be. For a girl who's trying to gain for health reasons, I was scared of that almost certain drop in weight that I have become too accustomed to seeing. I was scared I would have to edit my training plan or cut out things that I enjoyed doing. But it turns out I'm doing pretty damn well! Not as well as I could be doing, but then again, progress is progress.
I don't mind being the tortoise in this particular race.
Within this, I discovered something else about myself. I was scared that once I reached a stage where I was nearing healthy weight, that my past eating disorder tendencies would kick in and tell me to STOP and that I was far too big. What a load of rubbish. I've realised that I am far from happy with the shape of my body in fact and that I want to continue gaining. Past ED sufferer say what?!
I look in the mirror and still see weakness and areas that I am not satisfied with. Now I am not saying that I am striving for perfection, because in reality, what is perfection? Sorry for the very philosophical and deep meaningful question, but it's true. Who is to determine what perfection is and what is actually looks like?
All I know is that as many people have told me in the past, the scale doesn't matter and the number on the scale is in fact just that. A number. It does not define me or who I am.
Therefore, on this note, I will strive to be more and after following the journey of Francesca and her #teambemore I know that I can continue to fight and push through any bad days or negative thoughts!

     I also realised (I know that this is a lot of realisations to think about during the duration of a double spinning class haha), that this time last year, my mum was making a bet with me in the car. I remember this bet all too well. She said in her desperation for me to start getting better and see light, that she bet me that I couldn't turn my life around in a years time; that I'd have not managed to be happy, gain enough weight to no longer be considered 'anorexic' in doctors terms and that in fact I could be dead.
Harsh I know. But at the rate I was going, completely accurate.
It was also around this time last year in Newcastle, that Camp Leaders rang me to say that I was unfit and unable to leave the country on medical terms to go to Camp America and therefore my application was being suspended. I can clearly remember staring out of the window and simply standing in silence on the phone to my dad, unable to make conversation and unsure of what exactly to say.
I hated my eating disorder service in Newcastle, but one thing that stuck in my brain that I learnt whilst there, was the words that my therapist repeated twice a week to me when I went to see her.

'Adele, you need to reach BMI 16. That is our goal here. BMI 16.' 

I remember this so well, because she said it so damn often. Literally for months she tried to drill this into my head, but I refused to listen.
Now lookie!
My final realisation, was how far I have come. Yes, I have a long way to go and I don't think that it will be easy, but there is no doubt in my mind that I have over come a huge barrier!
Today I passed my lifeguard exam, meaning I am now completely qualified and ready to go to camp this summer.    

   So, I'm seeing the next 8 weeks as my 'stage and show prep'. Granted, I'm not in fact competing in any form of body or bikini competition, but I will be in a costume on a daily basis and so I want to look strong and healthy, to set a good example to the campers! I have 8 weeks to get fit and strong. To bulk up and gain muscle, so I'm ready for the next adventure (sorry for the corny finish, but it is completely true!)

Now