Do what you love and don't for one minute feel guilty for it

I saw this photo and after thinking about it, I couldn’t have put it any better.

When I look back at the things I used to enjoy before I developed anorexia (I hate the word ‘developed’, but I can’t think of another to use in its place), a lot of them were typical and extremely generic, things that most people like to do in their spare time and do as a way of relaxing. I had no problem going to the cinema and watching films, I enjoyed spending time with my family and friends and at one point I remember sitting in all weekend and watching a Gossip Girl-athon with my best friend at the time. 

   Don’t get me wrong, I was an extreme busy body, hating to be sat down and doing nothing and always looking for something to do. But sitting still and doing what I enjoyed or just taking time for me, wasn’t something that I saw as lazy or particularly ‘wrong’. I loved art and drawing and I found sitting down with my sketch book and doodling away to my heart’s content extremely therapeutic.
Sport and exercise were hobbies and passions. Doing what I liked and having the freedom to choose to do what I enjoyed was a privilege and definitely something that I took for granted. I was extremely independent and I guess that having this control over what I did, was something I always have strived to achieve and return to throughout my recovery.

    I have always loved travelling to and find it really exciting to go to new places and see new things. I think this is why I love the above photo so much. It reminds me of a holiday to Canada.
Something I have always wanted to do, is Camp America. I applied last year to be a camp counsellor and after getting through several stages, the doctors put a stop to it, by reminding me and the camps that I was in no physical state of health to leave the country. Yet again, my ‘freedom’, was non-existent. Anorexia has a selfish and nasty habit of stealing everything that you love and almost making you forget who you are. You lose your identity and I often found myself thinking that I was just another one on the list of many at the hospital who was suffering. 

    When I got poorly, as to be expected this all changed. I found that other people decided what I could and couldn’t do for me and all sense of independence was lost. I found doctors telling me I couldn’t do sport, I couldn’t go on family walks, I wasn’t allowed to walk up stairs and instead had to take the lift for fear of exerting too much energy. It felt like I was being stripped of anything that made me ‘me’. I felt like a liar when people asked me in my later years of sixth form what I enjoyed doing and I told them sport, because ultimately I couldn’t do it. On holiday, I remember having to limit the amount that I did with my family, for fear I would just keel over and die on the spot through exhaustion. I didn’t have the energy to enjoy myself or do what I loved. I simply wanted to be sat on my own and just absorb myself in my own destructive thoughts.
  
   Now, I can safely and gladly say that I am learning to appreciate things that I used to love again. I’ve started drawing again, in my spare time. I am more social, choosing to go out and meet people rather than sitting in my room, consumed by horrid thoughts and boredom.
I go to the gym and play hockey again. And I have no problem sitting and watching a film at the cinema, in fact I love Orange Wednesdays for students (£2.50 cinema ticket anybody?!) and try to go as much as possible!
I still hate sitting still and I’m slowly retraining myself to actually take a minute to stop and relax. I find that when I do sit still for a minute, I get quite anxious and worry, but I think I’m slowly learning to just chill the heck out. I’ve finished my Gossip Girl box set which is sort of a triumph and a loss (now what am I meant to do with myself!) I’m also well enough to go to Camp America this year!
I plan on doing charity runs and taking on challenges to show how far I have come. And the reason? Because I love and enjoy doing things like this.
So it’s proof that recovery is worth it and that you can regain control of your life. It won’t stay like that forever if you are proactive and want to change. 

    All in all, I think the quote says it all. Doing what you enjoy is definitely freedom. Some argue that doing nothing and just slobbing out is freedom, but for me it was never about that. Freedom is doing what you want to do out of choice. Then, liking what you do certainly makes you happy. I think this is such a good thing to live by!
Oh and if anybody has any suggestions as to another trashy box set I can get into, feel free to give me a shout!!
     
                                                                     xxxx