Road To Accepting Your Body

There are so many problems with an eating disorder. So many in fact, that listing them would be a ridiculous chore that would bore you all and would make me extremely unhappy to re-read as I'm no longer dwelling on the past. 'Hakuna Matata' as they say in the Lion King (I am not ashamed to admit that it is one of my favourite films to date). It happened, I can't change it, I can just learn from it.

One of the main problems is how distorted your body image and opinion of yourself becomes. Over time you gradually begin to hate every aspect of yourself and it becomes dangerously depressing and upsetting. 

I am no exception. I hated how I looked, and yet, despite this, my eating disorder was not driven by the need to loose weight to be skinnier. I genuinely thought what I was doing was healthy and benefiting my body, that ironically, I was becoming stronger. I could not see the damage I was doing interally or externally.

Now I know better or I at least like to think that I am learning to appreciate myself more. That's not to say that I don't have bad days, as we all do. But, I am beginning to realise that food is fuel and that it is much more important to be a nice person and enjoy life than to be driven by striving for perfection (what is perfection anyway?!) I don't like taking selfies or pictures of myself unless I am with friends and either having a brilliant time, doing something worthwhile or pulling a purposely ridiculous face.
But the other day at the gym I took this photo, to show myself the difference that leading a healthier lifestyle can make. 

On the left, is a photo from Summer 2012 in France, at the height of my eating disorder. As you can probably tell, I am the very poorly looking, extremely thin girl in the middle on the back row. I was engrossed with the illness, forcing myself to do lots of physical activity even on holiday whilst eating next to nothing. I was physically and mentally exhausted all the time, slept badly, had weak limp hair, few friends and generally very unhappy and lonely. My bones were weak, my legs obviously didn't meet, I bruised easily and was emotionally unstable and diagnosed as depressed.
On the right, is about a week and a half ago after a gym training session. Granted, I am stood at a different angle, but I think there is definitely a considerable difference. Not only am I getting to be more happy in myself and developing a better lifestyle, I am now allowed to to more exercise again, eat a better diet, have more friends/social life and just feel about twenty times more positive! I find it hard to see progress and accept that I am doing well.

I still have a long way to go, but I think the message I want to put out is that there is hope. If you want something bad enough, it is possible and although it took me so much longer to discover than it should have, I am glad I came to make the decision to change and start reliving my life! My body will change, it won't fit in all of the same clothes anymore, I will have down days, but do you know what, this is completely normal and not to be afraid of! I should embrace positive change rather than fear it!

xxx