Progress & Going Above & Beyond

          When I looked up the definition of the word 'progress', thousands of Google sites came up, all pretty much telling me the same thing. 

prog·ress  (prŏg′rĕs′, -rəs, prō′grĕs′)

n.

1. Movement, as toward a goal; advance.

2. Development or growth: students who show progress.

3. Steady improvement

    So, why, when the words definition is so clear and similar no matter where we look, is progress so different for each individual person? Throughout my eating disorder and my recovery, I've been told SOOOO many times that I was not making significant progress. Every time I went to the doctors and they told me that I had lost weight or went to a stressful family meal and had the same 'safe' option, I was deemed a failure. This wasn't just be the doctors or family and friends, in fact the one person that criticized me the most was in fact myself.
This is probably the case for most people who have experienced an eating disorder or any sort of illness (mental or physical). No matter what you do, the eating disorder tells you that you are never good enough and that you will never succeed. You start to make links between yourself and certain catastrophe.
Self perception and thoughts about yourself become distorted.

    I find that I became a perfectionist and was seriously disappointed with anything I did unless it was perfect. I would exercise until exhaustion or until I had a certain time or burnt a certain number of calories, because if I didn't, I was a failure. If I ate more or felt hungry, then I was definitely a let-down to the anorexic 'name'. School work and coursework had me on edge and staying up all hours of the night to complete it, but as I was so exhausted, I was in no state to complete it to the best of my ability.

I was told I was no longer able to play hockey as I was a danger to myself. Gaining weight made me a poor excuse. Loosing weight, even more so.
I made no progress. I was not successful.

     However, now, during recovery, I am slowly but surely beginning to see improvements. For example, this year after transferring to Manchester University, I've scored three firsts in my work and assessments. I've been accepted back onto playing for a hockey team. I've made SIGNIFICANT progress with my food, cooking and challenging certain food fads and myths that my eating disorder created. I've began to reintroduce food groups, try new things and on my instagram you'll see I often post a #challengeaday photo, in which I have challenged something that used to be considered a fear food.

I will now eat out with my family (although I like to know where we are going first), I find that I am no longer as rigid or afraid. It's eating out and meant to be enjoyable for crying out loud....WHY DID I THINK THAT THIS SCENARIO WAS CERTAIN DOOM IN THE PAST!?!

At the gym/training, for the first time today, I managed to leg press a considerable amount more than my body weight and it felt great.

I've become more social. More willing to go out. More willing to live like a normal 20 year old.

       I think what I am trying to get at, is that people progress in different ways. For some, progress is very quick and obvious. For others it is more drawn out and a struggle. Many think that getting a new PB at the gym is a progress; for others, simply learning to live and enjoy life again is.
I became sick of being told and telling myself that I was a failure. And I think what I want to tell people is that IT GETS MUCH EASIER! I struggled for three years and it is hard and does test you and every emotion/relationship/positive feeling you may have, but recovering is SOOOO worth it!
I am proud of myself for getting this far and look forward to progressing even more in the future. I am also incredibly proud of all the other eating disorder 'soldiers' (as we call ourselves) who strive to be a better person and to regain control.

 xxx

My rekindling of my love of cooking

So on this blog, I'd like to start by saying that I have rekindled a love of cooking throughout my recovery. 

It's fact that when a person suffers from an eating disorder, they become engrossed in food, and obsessed by it, convincing themselves they love to cook when really it is simply a way of controlling what they eat.

I used to tell my mum that I didn't want her to cook for me and that I wouldn't eat at the same time as them, 'because I loved to make my own food'. Really this was a way of being secretive and an easy way to eat less. I found it easier to tell her this, than to say that I didn't want to eat what she made as the thought of the unknown scared me.

However, now I find that I genuinely love to cook again. I love trying to make new things, experimenting with recipes and although my food is not necessarily always gourmet standard, I think that I am becoming more imaginative and trying new things!

I like posting foodie photos, there I said it. There is no point in lying! In fact, I get a pleasure out of posting a photo of something that I put effort into making and seeing that others appreciate it and want to try it too.

Hence, on my blog, I want to take the opportunity to post the recipes and photos of things I make, not only so I can remember what went well and what didn't, but so that if by any chance others want to try and make it, they can!