Do what you love and don't for one minute feel guilty for it

I saw this photo and after thinking about it, I couldn’t have put it any better.

When I look back at the things I used to enjoy before I developed anorexia (I hate the word ‘developed’, but I can’t think of another to use in its place), a lot of them were typical and extremely generic, things that most people like to do in their spare time and do as a way of relaxing. I had no problem going to the cinema and watching films, I enjoyed spending time with my family and friends and at one point I remember sitting in all weekend and watching a Gossip Girl-athon with my best friend at the time. 

   Don’t get me wrong, I was an extreme busy body, hating to be sat down and doing nothing and always looking for something to do. But sitting still and doing what I enjoyed or just taking time for me, wasn’t something that I saw as lazy or particularly ‘wrong’. I loved art and drawing and I found sitting down with my sketch book and doodling away to my heart’s content extremely therapeutic.
Sport and exercise were hobbies and passions. Doing what I liked and having the freedom to choose to do what I enjoyed was a privilege and definitely something that I took for granted. I was extremely independent and I guess that having this control over what I did, was something I always have strived to achieve and return to throughout my recovery.

    I have always loved travelling to and find it really exciting to go to new places and see new things. I think this is why I love the above photo so much. It reminds me of a holiday to Canada.
Something I have always wanted to do, is Camp America. I applied last year to be a camp counsellor and after getting through several stages, the doctors put a stop to it, by reminding me and the camps that I was in no physical state of health to leave the country. Yet again, my ‘freedom’, was non-existent. Anorexia has a selfish and nasty habit of stealing everything that you love and almost making you forget who you are. You lose your identity and I often found myself thinking that I was just another one on the list of many at the hospital who was suffering. 

    When I got poorly, as to be expected this all changed. I found that other people decided what I could and couldn’t do for me and all sense of independence was lost. I found doctors telling me I couldn’t do sport, I couldn’t go on family walks, I wasn’t allowed to walk up stairs and instead had to take the lift for fear of exerting too much energy. It felt like I was being stripped of anything that made me ‘me’. I felt like a liar when people asked me in my later years of sixth form what I enjoyed doing and I told them sport, because ultimately I couldn’t do it. On holiday, I remember having to limit the amount that I did with my family, for fear I would just keel over and die on the spot through exhaustion. I didn’t have the energy to enjoy myself or do what I loved. I simply wanted to be sat on my own and just absorb myself in my own destructive thoughts.
  
   Now, I can safely and gladly say that I am learning to appreciate things that I used to love again. I’ve started drawing again, in my spare time. I am more social, choosing to go out and meet people rather than sitting in my room, consumed by horrid thoughts and boredom.
I go to the gym and play hockey again. And I have no problem sitting and watching a film at the cinema, in fact I love Orange Wednesdays for students (£2.50 cinema ticket anybody?!) and try to go as much as possible!
I still hate sitting still and I’m slowly retraining myself to actually take a minute to stop and relax. I find that when I do sit still for a minute, I get quite anxious and worry, but I think I’m slowly learning to just chill the heck out. I’ve finished my Gossip Girl box set which is sort of a triumph and a loss (now what am I meant to do with myself!) I’m also well enough to go to Camp America this year!
I plan on doing charity runs and taking on challenges to show how far I have come. And the reason? Because I love and enjoy doing things like this.
So it’s proof that recovery is worth it and that you can regain control of your life. It won’t stay like that forever if you are proactive and want to change. 

    All in all, I think the quote says it all. Doing what you enjoy is definitely freedom. Some argue that doing nothing and just slobbing out is freedom, but for me it was never about that. Freedom is doing what you want to do out of choice. Then, liking what you do certainly makes you happy. I think this is such a good thing to live by!
Oh and if anybody has any suggestions as to another trashy box set I can get into, feel free to give me a shout!!
     
                                                                     xxxx

I am starting a fresh leaf. My initial promise of staying uber motivated and on top of this blog failed, rather dramatically to say the least. It's not that I couldn't be bothered (please don't get that impression of me!) but I've had so many other things on my mind, that unfortunately the blog fell down the drainpipe.

:'( :'(

But now it's summer and I WILL stay on top of it.

So this week, the weather in Newcastle has been as temperamental as ever. Over the bank holiday I was topping up my none existent tan down on the quayside and am proud to say that I turned a slightly more healthy colour than my usual albino tinge. Nobody else noticed a difference, but daringly, I  turned up my jeans TWICE and exposed my milk bottle legs to Newcastle- how adventurous!

Sunny Tyne Bridge on the Quayside!!!!

I managed to get down to the Quayside to do a mini photoshoot for my uni project with my friend which was nice. (I don't envy her stripping off down there though). She's wearing a top I made and designed.

    Then, as to be expected, on Thursday I was hiding in my flat again, staring out into a bleak and dull courtyard whilst the weather turned a lot more 'duck friendly'. My hair does not fair well in these conditions and what with my mountains of university work, indoors was the safest option for me.

      But now, university has finished for summer!!! (YEAH!) Now it's time to start entertaining myself until September. That seems like an awful long time, so I am open for suggestions for projects to keep me entertained/sane until then. Please.

I went to the opening event of Newcastle Fashion Week today which was cool. We met the editor of Company Magazine, Victoria White and Louise Wedderburn, Caryn Franklin, Samantha Bennett and Vita Taylor who gave a masterclass interview about how to 'Get Into Fashion'. I learnt, to get in, I need to stand out; may have to purchase a flashing beacon or walk around in an inflatable olive costume to achieve that one!! Catherine bought an adorable bracelet from Bcharmed, a Newcastle based jewellry company and a lip scrub from Lush which she later found out she could eat!! MULTI PURPOSE. Oh and we then did a spot of promotion for Annie and The Mannequins, of which the owner's are GORGEOUS! 

I think I had complete envy at how they managed to still look summery and beyond stunning despite their early start and the bleak weather (www.annieandthemannequins.com) Follow them on Twitter, @AnnieandtheMs. 

Casually being a cat.

Me, Victoria and Catherine

Entry one of many completed. Things can only get better!

Adele x