National Eating Disorder Awareness Week-

        For those of you who don’t know, this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and in honour of this I want to post a before and during shot. I don’t want to use the word after, as I know that I am far from having recovered completely, but I feel I am the right path now.

     On the top row, are two photos of me at possibly my lowest weight; bones visible, limp hair, pale skin, severely unhappy and despite the smiles going through a stage of severe depression. I was diagnosed with anorexia about three and half years ago and it is safe to say that it is three and half years of my life I will never get back. Ironically those photos were taken on a ‘happy family summer holiday’ in France and although I may be smiling, I remember being constantly hungry, always worrying about food, pushing myself to exercise, not eating, feeling lonely and yet craving to be alone and with others at the same time. 

Anorexia is a cold and cruel disease which kids you into thinking you are okay. It does not want you to recover and let go of whatever vice is has over you. I remember being told all the time that I was severely poorly and even when they threatened me with hospital on several occasions, I refused to believe that I was worth their time, effort and didn't need any help. When my blood levels reached a critically low state, they were ready to take me to hospital there and then, again I refused.
Last year in Northumbria, the majority of my  ‘social life’ was visiting the hospital and eating disorder service five times a week for blood tests and check-ups and sadly, the people I saw most of and therefore talked to the most were my doctors/therapists and dietician, who I really did not like. So much for the ultimate student life.
      The disease tore away friends and drove me away from loved ones, who I didn't want to see me getting worse and therefore became a shell of a person, unresponsive and unwilling to socialise or to simply spend time with others. Who needed friends, I had myself and my control.
It took away my sport, my hockey team, my fit and healthy body and most importantly, I lost my best friend over it.

         I hated food and it consumed my every waking hour, whether it was worrying about what I was going to eat, fretting over eating in public, trying not to eat, feeling guilty when I did eat, obsessing over recipes that I was never going to try. It became a taboo in my household and even when I moved away to Northumbria, I felt like I was in a constant battle with trying to eat what I thought was a ‘healthy’ diet and eating too much. I wasn't allowed to exercise in my first year. I secretly did aerobics/yoga/HITT training in my bedroom but it was nowhere near what I was used to and so I didn't eat. I refused to eat as I didn't think I warranted eating more than anybody else. My food was bland and tasteless, cutting out interesting tastes, essential fats, limiting my carbohydrate intake and relying on boring sources to get me by.
I refused to eat out with friends and I was completely obsessed with eating at rigid times. Because I had nothing else to plan. It was a sad time.

       The photos on the bottom of the first post are more recent (the last month or so). One is one a night out with my hockey friends and the other is after receiving my Camp America Offer. Last year I was too poorly to do either and Camp America even refused my application. See, this alone is proof that it can get better!
Now, I am glad to say that I am in a better place. I transferred universities, made new friends and started to regain control over MY life. That’s right. It’s my life. I am allowed to exercise, train again, I choose to go out and socialise and my mum says that spark and glimmer or life is returning.  I have reintroduced so many once fear foods into my diet, challenging myself on my Instagram with my hash-tag #challengeaday and I have begun to realise that eating healthily is far from what I was doing originally.
 I know how important it is to take care of myself mentally and physically and as I aspire to gain weight and grow stronger, I know that sadly there will be many girls out there discovering that anorexia is becoming a ‘friend’ to them.

   If I can inspire just one person, I would be honoured and over the moon. Choosing recovery is not easy, but it is sure as hell worth it. Choose to live and choose to be happy and healthy and I promise you won’t regret it!

    I want to thank the people who have stuck by me throughout this time. Those who have known me before my eating disorder and those who are new faces in my life now. I am appreciative and extremely humbled that you choose to show me care and attention when I was hurting myself so badly. 

                                                                                                                 xxx